i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
