my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize