I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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