she was so not down for the gang bang
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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