I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
