woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize