Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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