I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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