it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
