So drunk its hurt
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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