how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
