I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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