i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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