Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
