Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
