Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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