She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Boobs are out for the taking
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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