I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
