So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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