i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
