dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
