My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
