i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
