When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
