I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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