I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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