my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
