someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
