There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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