My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
