i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
