Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
