I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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