I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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