Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
