We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
