I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
