how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
