She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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