You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
