Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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