"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
