a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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