what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
