So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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