??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
