i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
MIDGETS
????
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
