This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
