Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
