I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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