i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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