I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
