I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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