I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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