also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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