I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
