my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
