I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
